Toni’s Blog

This poignant story was written by Jessica’s father, Jeff Green, in 2008.  On 31st May 2011 Jessica would have been celebrating her 15th birthday.

Jeff’s story is inspirational, and the love he feels for his daughter shines through in every word...

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Friday, May 31st 1996 is a day I shall remember for the rest of my life...

In late August of ‘95 while the summer was coming to a close and the balmy evenings drew in, my then wife, Jude, announced she was pregnant.  After months of trying to conceive without luck, I was finally to be a father!

The pregnancy was not an easy one.  Due to Jude’s age at the time of the pregnancy (42), Down’s Syndrome was a major concern.  Fortunately, an amniocentesis test relieved our deepest fears.

In the second trimester a routine test discovered complications, which the doctors assured us were not life threatening so we put our faith in them and planned for the future of our little girl.

Jessica became a constant companion.  Anxious for this world but not quite ready for it, she stowed away at my gigs, kicking and moving happily to ‘Free Bird’ and ‘Little Wing’, and showing her disdain by falling asleep during the required Brit Pop numbers of the time.

I got to know her then.  I couldn’t wait to meet my little daughter, and I knew she felt the same.  We would instantly recognise each other because our hearts had already met.

Jessica was due in late May 1996 and although it couldn’t come fast enough, it seemed there still wasn’t enough time.  We wanted everything to be perfect for her, so with cans of paint in pink and blue, and borders dashed with dancing bears, we brushed and rolled and pasted until her soft white cot was surrounded by all a little girl could dream of.  When her room was ready, I could see her there, in clouds of fluffy pillows, holding court with smiling dolls and doting teddies, looking up at me.  I knew she would be loved and safe and happy when that day came.  Tomorrow, or the next day...

But that day never came...

During the afternoon of the 31st of May, whilst giving a guitar lesson, Jude came in to inform me that it might be ‘time’.  Needless to say the lesson finished early.

We arrived at Southend General Hospital Maternity Ward.  After the usual scurry of nurses, monitors were in place, and I waited to hear Jessica’s heartbeat, as I had many months ago.

Nothing...

“Another damn machine isn’t working,” the midwife announced.  “I’ll see if I can find another.”

So we waited.  She returned with a functioning monitor and we waited again to hear Jessica’s sound.

Nothing...

The tears welling up in the midwife’s eyes belied her words of comfort.  The Doctor arrived with his stethoscope and listened.  He told us then, simply.  “I’m very sorry, your baby is dead!”, and he left the room.

Jude’s scream broke the silence, and something broke in me as my cries joined the din.

“Give her a Caesarean Section,” I shouted.

“We can’t, your wife will have to go through the normal delivery procedures.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Because this is how we deal with this situation nowadays.”

Apparently, the umbilical chord had strangled her.

Jessica was born 8lb 4oz and, apart from her darkened complexion due to oxygen deprivation, she was a perfect baby.  She had my mouth.  I held her in disbelief.

Where did I go wrong?

Nothing made sense to me.  For the next few months I drank too much, I smoked too much, and I cried.  

Then, around January 1997 Jessica’s song came to me in a dream.  Her music took me to a beautiful place, and I felt her with me.  I knew then that she would live forever in her song.

My job was to make sure that her song was sung...

So why has it taken 11 years for this album to be completed?  Well, first of all, I had to get it right.  Then, I had to find the best musicians available to me.  Not only did I find them, I also found in them an extraordinary bunch of individuals who lovingly offered their talents to this project.

Working through this album, through the music, I came to peace with my grief.  Jessica’s fleeting life began to make sense.  I learned from, and was infinitely inspired by, the amazing musicians who graced my life at this time.  Without Jessica, I may never have had this opportunity and, for that, I will be forever grateful.

I will also be forever grateful to Matron Sally Livingstone who, like a warm light, on that coldest night as May turned to June, gave me a way to get through the darkness.

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