Toni’s Blog

Today was Easter Saturday, my wedding day.

At two o’clock this afternoon I was going to marry the man I loved.  I should have been happy, excited, nervous, instead I was desperately miserable.  Every time I thought of Mike and the plans we’d made for our future I’d hate myself for the way I’d deceived him.

I’d been sitting staring out of my bedroom window for ages.  I’d watched the dawn and felt the first warm rays of the sun, but nothing could drive away my overwhelming feelings of guilt. Since I’d said goodnight to Mike just a few hours before I’d tortured myself about not having told him all the truth about my past...

“Joy!  Wake up, love.  Today’s the day!”  Mum was smiling happily as she came into my bedroom, but as I turned to face her the smile began to fade.

“I’ve brought you a cup of tea,” she said slowly.  Then she frowned.  “Is everything all right, love?”

My eyes filled with tears and suddenly all the guilt and heartbreak refused to stay locked away any longer.  In that moment I knew there was only one way I could possibly put things right.

“Oh, Mum...” I whispered tearfully.  “I can’t go through with it.  I can’t marry Mike...”

Tears streamed down my face and my body shook with sobs.  In a second Mum was across the room and holding me tight.

“Now stop this,” she said softly.  “It’s only nerves.  All brides feel this way on their wedding day.”

“It’s not nerves, Mum,” I told her sadly.  “I love Mike too much to marry him knowing I’m deceiving him.  I can give him everything – except the one thing he really wants – children of his own.”

Mum’s arms tightened around me and I leaned against her, grateful for the comfort she gave me.

“Oh, Joy, it’s not the end of the world,” she said.  “Lots of women can’t have children. Anyway I’m sure it won’t make any difference to the way Mike feels about you.”

“How do I know that?” I asked.  “I’d have to tell him the truth sooner or later and I know that once I’ve made my wedding vows it’ll play on my mind until he knows.  What kind of start is that to a marriage?  It’s no good, Mum, I can’t do that to Mike.”

Mum tried to persuade me, but I wouldn’t listen.  It was better to call of the wedding now.  That way Mike would be free to find someone else – someone who could give him the family he wanted.  It would break my heart, but there was no other way.

“I must tell him the truth – he has a right to know,” I said with a sigh.  “And I must do it this morning.  I want to think things through first, get it straight in my mind.  So please, Mum, don’t say anything to Mike if he happens to ring.  It’s important I tell him myself.”

Mum sighed heavily and stood up.

“All right, Joy,” she said sadly.  “But don’t call the wedding off.  Tell him first, see what he says, then at least you’ll be giving him the choice.  He has a right to decide for himself.”

When she’d gone I turned back to the window.  I felt better for talking to Mum, but my heart was filled with tears...just as it had been that morning two years ago when a double tragedy had changed my whole life...

I could still hear the doctor’s voice when he’d come to see me.  He’d sat on the edge of my hospital bed, his eyes heavy with sadness.

“Joy, I’m so sorry,” he’d said.  “We couldn’t save your baby.  We did everything possible but the impact of the crash caused a lot of internal injuries.”  He’d paused for a moment, taking a deep breath.  “I’d like to be able to say it won’t make any difference to the future, but I can’t.  I’m afraid you’ll never be able to have children.”

He was kind, sympathetic.  He held my hand as I let tears roll slowly down my cheeks, but nothing could wipe out the horror of the past two days.  Memory pictures came one after the other.  The rain on the windscreen, Paul and I laughing happily as we talked about our wedding...then the lorry heading straight for us, completely out of control on the wet road.

Frantically I pushed away the picture of Paul slumped, unnaturally still, over the steering wheel, and the sound of my terrified scream just before I lost consciousness.

When I’d come round in hospital my first question had been about Paul.  The doctor’s face had been grave and I knew he was dead.  Now my baby was dead, too.  I’d lost everything – my life and my future – in just two days...

continue

Marrying Mike was all I wanted.  But there was something I hadn’t told him.  Something very important...