Toni’s Blog

My jacket was no protection against the biting wind, and my hands were blue with cold as I wheeled the pushchair through the Christmas shoppers.  I looked down at Matthew.  At least he was snug and warm tucked up in his blanket.

Tears blocked my throat as he gazed in awe at the brightly lit toyshop window.  Matthew had only been a few days old last Christmas.  Too little to know what all the excitement was about.  This year he was beginning to get the idea.  Wherever you looked there seemed to be sparkling Christmas trees with twinkling lights, and huge models of Father Christmas in his sleigh with a sackful of presents.  All around us was the bustling atmosphere of happiness and goodwill Christmas always brings.  If only some of it would come our way.

I felt empty inside and wished it was all over.  I wanted it to be the New Year so I could forget the loneliness of Christmas and try to be optimistic about the future.  A stray tear ran down my cheek and I pretended it was the wind making my eyes water.  The truth was I dreaded waking up on Christmas Day.  Just Matthew and me in a poky little room.  No presents, no cards, and no one to say Merry Christmas to with a kiss and a hug.  Thank God Matthew didn’t realise just what a special time it was.  But what about next year, and the one after...

Quickly I turned into the road where we lived.  Lived?  No, people didn’t live in bed and breakfast hotels, they just existed there because they had nothing else.  As I pushed the heavy front door open I heard the voice in my head again.  ‘But you do have something else...’  It reminded me.   I tried not to look at the payphone on the wall outside my room.  ‘All you have to do is make one call...’

But I couldn’t.  Not after all this time.  And the longer I left it the harder it became.  It was nearly eighteen months since I’d sneaked out of the house in the dead of night and run away to London.  Besides, I couldn’t bear it if Mum said she didn’t want to know me any more.  Not that I could blame her.  After what I’d done I had no right to just waltz back home with a bright ‘hello’, and, ‘sorry I haven’t been in touch.  Oh, by the way, this is your grandson’.  I could imagine the frosty reception I’d get.  Especially from Dad!

I’d been his pride and joy.  The one he’d expected so much from.  Although I’d tried it hadn’t been easy living up to Dad’s dreams for me.  His lectures about doing well at school and getting a good job usually ended in a row - with me always coming off worse.  I couldn’t turn to Mum for help either.  She had more than enough on her plate.  It was amazing that she coped at all.

My Gran had been living with us for a year.  She hadn’t been well for a long time and when she couldn’t look after herself properly any more Mum insisted she move in with us.  What Gran didn’t know was that Mum had given up her job to stay home to look after her.  That had meant a lot less money having to stretch further.  Mum had done a part-time job for a while, but Gran got worse and couldn’t be left alone too long.  So eventually Mum had had to give that up, too.

To make ends meet Dad worked all the overtime he could, which meant he was tired and grumpy when he came home.  Mum had her hands full with Gran, and even though I helped all I could it still wasn’t enough.  Especially with Dad nagging me about homework the whole time!  Then, to cap it all, my young brother Sean was caught shoplifting.

At home the atmosphere was terrible.  Poor old Gran was too ill to know what was going on, and Mum and Dad seemed to be constantly fighting.  The only time I could get away from it was when I was with Tommy.  Dad had laid down strict rules about us seeing each other.  One evening during the week and weekends.  As the problems at home got worse I turned to Tommy more and more.  He was the only calm, sensible thing in my life.

I’d thought about Tommy a lot since I’d left home.  We’d often talked about being together all the time, but he was ambitious and determined to do well at school then go on to University.  Dad liked him a lot.  

”He’s a very responsible lad, Gail.  You could do a lot worse.’

Neither of us were very responsible the night we made love that first time though.  We loved each other so much, and we wanted each other badly.  Eventually our desire became too strong to hold back any longer.  

That was the night Matthew was conceived...

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Christmas Story